“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
― C.G. Jung
This quote is everything.
I didn’t think much about mental health until I dated someone with severe OCD.
He would think the airplane will fall down the sky if he wears the color red. Or thinks I am pregnant if he wears the color blue.
Washes his hands a billion times, leaves the house at a certain time, buys things only if it’s the right number price. He won’t brush his teeth for the day if he can’t buy a new toothbrush because it wasn’t at the correct number price.
Quickly assumes and thinks the worse outcomes of our relationship because he doesn’t want me to deal with his problems. Always scared and afraid that I might get pregnant.
Endless. There was always something new. And it all may sound crazy….
…but those are all the things I love about him. All of that taught me patience. To love in ways I cannot even describe. I’ve never loved like this before.
He taught me the importance about space. And to never assume, ever. To speak up and ask for whatever is on my mind. And have the right to feel however I am feeling.
We’ve been on and off for 2 years. It’s off again for the 4th time. And this time, if feels like it’s for good.
I miss the two kisses before he leaves the car. I miss the hand sanitizers everywhere. I miss the odd numbers set of the alarm clocks. I miss it all.
Anyone else experienced this?
There are days where I wish I can make my feelings disappear from such heartache. It hurts less when I wake up, but through the day…the silence is when it hurts the most.
Those moments are most important. Listen to the golden silence.
One day, it will all be dust. And we are all just light.
Here it is ladies and gents, the 2018 recap.
Cliche, and very necessary. Why? Many highlight on their achievements and accomplishments, which I will get to that. But first, I want to share how uncomfortable this year has been for me.
It wasn’t until this year that I knew what depression was. Even writing that word down makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.
I went into the year in hopes of moving on from what I thought was my dream job. I left a city where I just started to build my own life. And when I came back, I felt like a loss failure. Didn’t know what my next goals were anymore. I worked and hustled through to get to a certain point in my life, and later realized, it’s not completely something that aligned with what I wanted anymore.
Sure, it’s easy to say GET UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF, & MOVE ON. Which, I am very capable and easy for me to do. But what I’ve learned in the past 3 years was vulnerability. It’s important to be vulnerable.
To be vulnerable was foreign to me. And I remember asking my dear friend if it was okay to be vulnerable. (I’ve learned that you NEVER need permission to be vulnerable or to be anything!)
I spent this year slowing down from everything so that I could feel what I’ve been neglecting. And that was my feelings. I am always on the go and rarely do I take the time to invest in myself. I didn’t realize I had so much to heal from.
“You must feel in order to heal.”
Facing the things I needed to heal from were my accomplishments. I am so thankful to be able to realize and see that.
Fast forward to now. Taking everything that I’ve learned, I am looking forward to the next year.
Why are heartbreaks painful? I am talking about physical pain – pressure to the mid-chest and throbbing pains down the arms. Not to mistake a heartbreak to signs of a heart attack, but thanks Google to validate this physical heartbreak pain is normal. It is our bodies telling us something tragic happened. Our mind triggers the body as if we were physically hurt – same pain right? No matter how many heartbreaks a person goes through and no matter how old you are, the pain is never getting use to.
What does change? After a breakup, I am more self aware. Relationships helped me uncover many layers of myself.
“There’s beauty in the breakdown…”
Welcome to the first peeled layer of life what I refer to, an onion. As I get closer to the core, the more translucent it appears, and I will be.